Dad, Father, Daddy, Pop, Papa.
Whatever you called him is kinda irrevelant. They all hold
an unusual place in our lives; good or bad. There is reams of research that
indicate that the most powerful influence on the person that we are is our
father. Some might even say a
disproportionate influence. Girls need a strong father and without one are more
likely to do all sorts of stupid stuff. Boys as well.
My dad died about 15 years ago. He had a disease called
Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. You probably know it as Lou Gehrig’s Disease or
ALS. It’s one of a number of similar muscular diseases. Anyway, his death was
not a surprise. I’m not sure I would say that I am sorry he died, but I might.
He’s in heaven. That’s pretty cool. But I still miss him.
I know that Father’s Day was last week, so I know I’m a
little late. I have kids so I am well aware of when that day is. The Mother’s
Day blog was easy to write. Thoughts about Father’s Day? Not so much. I never
thought of my Dad as a complicated man, but now that I am writing about him I’m
struggling.
Dad, Father, Daddy, Pop, Papa. You may have had other names
for your father. I usually called him Dad.
He said that his kids may not have
called him Money Tree to his face, but he was sure they thought he was one. You
also may have had special names for your father that were not flattering. I’m
not going to go there because that was not my experience. I fully understand
that it may be your experience, but since it’s not mine I’m not qualified.
Dad, Father, Daddy. It’s funny to me that although a lot of
cultural standards tell us that men are pretty simple creatures, a lot of
fathers are very complicated. At least it seems to me in my life that our
relationships with dads are complicated.
Let me explain what I’m thinking. My relationship with mom
is not complicated. She’s mom. I know that she loves me no matter what. She was
the one I went to with scraped knees, she’s the one I told I needed a hair cut,
I always wanted her to know that I was in trouble first. Dad probably wouldn’t
have helped with a scraped knee. He would have said something like “The
bandaids are in one of the bathrooms.” But he would have said it with a certain
amount of disbelief that one of his boys needed a bandaid. You know the funny
thing is although I told mom I wanted my hair cut, I wanted Dad to take me to
the barber. That was a guy thing.
I always wanted mom to approve and be proud of me. But I
needed dad to approve of me and be proud of me. I craved it. In a lot of ways I
still do. Did I mention that my dad is dead? 15 years. But I still think “What
would dad do?” I still base many of my decisions and actions on what I think
dad would think. As I live my life I often think that I would love to be able
to talk something over with dad. Not being able to makes me sad and sometimes a
little angry.
You know what I have come to understand? Dad loved me no
matter what as well. He had a different way of showing it, but he did. Dad
would have done anything for me. Dad did a lot for me. Sometimes I knew about
it and other times he did stuff that I didn’t know about until much later.
Sometimes he made the decision to not do for me believing that it was time for
me to learn a lesson in a different way.
My point to all this is that family is the first and most
important community we have. In my opinion and in God’s opinion, the dad is the
leader of that community. But in so many ways, the way our culture perceives
and shapes men does not allow them the skills to lead community. The ability to
be vulnerable and show vulnerability along with listening skills and empathy
skills are key components to building community. And a lot of dads have missed
these things.
My wife shared this blog post with our small group recently.
I know it talks of a different relationship than dad/kid, but see if you can
shift the thoughts to the dad/kid relationship. http://rachelheldevans.com/exercising-in-public
My encouragement to dads is be vulnerable with your kids.
Let them know you. Not the warrior that doesn’t make mistakes or the hammer
that hits them when they get out of line. Let them know you. You. The real you.
My encouragement to moms/wives is to allow your husband to
do this. Encourage him to do this. Don’t make him do it, because we all know
that probably won’t work. But help him. Help him know that it’s expected and
wanted. Give him permission to be vulnerable. He may not know that it’s ok. He
may think you want him to exude power and invincibility. Let him know that’s
not always the case.
My encouragement to sons and daughters is to allow your
parents to be vulnerable. Ask them questions. Ask them to tell you about a time
when they were scared. Tell them you’re scared and ask them to help. Just like
in any other era we live in a scary time.
Share with others, especially with your dad, your father,
your daddy, your pop or your papa. It just might change that relationship.
